38 Life Lessons From My Husband

IN 2009, I WAS 18 YEARS OLD AND LEAVING THE PHILIPPINES for college. On the day I left, Jovi flew from Cebu to Manila to drop me off at the airport. It might not mean much, but I kept thinking of that as a pivotal moment in my life – it showed that somebody could love me, that I’m worth that much effort, so I must be good and worthy of better things. I was just a kid then going through rough times. Jovi taught me that I deserve – and should expect – nothing but transcendental love.

"You accept the love you think you deserve." -Stephen Chbosky

Today is Jovi's 38th birthday. We have been together for over 8 years now (and married for four months!) Being the most influential person in my life, here are 38 lessons my love has taught me: 

1. To not care about what other people think. Studies show that intelligent people are better at resisting peer pressure. Jovi is a walking marvel of a no-care attitude. I used to think that’s his personality, but now I understand it’s a side effect of being smart. 

2. Think like you’re in the other person’s shoe. Not caring about other people’s opinions does not mean stop empathizing with them. In college, I was bickering about my golf coach, until Jovi patiently explained to me that her job depends on team performance or she’ll get fired. It’s hard for a kid to think that way, but Jovi taught me how.

3. Eat in moderation. I’m one of those wives who eat more than their husbands. Jovi eats one big meal a day while I eat like 5 times. Not only he is more resistant to peer pressure, he knows how to keep his appetite under control.

4. Exercise! Love running. In 2009, Jovi was weak and fat. He got into running and going to the gym and never looked back. Today, he runs 20K-40K a week. I still hate running and do HIIT’s on my own, but it inspires me to see my husband so belligerent about cardio. 

5. Love dessert. Sugar is so bad. I give stink eyes to people who drink fruit juice. But, Jovi is a sweets person and it’s starting to rub off on me. Dessert reminds me to live a little.

6. Think critically (like a lawyer). Jovi describes himself as a “lawyer who sells golf clubs.” But he also draws competently and is a wildly smart person all-around. From negotiating salaries, to law consultations with friends, to family advice, he is the big brain behind almost all my decisions.

7. Be friends with everyone. Let’s just say that I don’t know anyone else who can go to 1-year old birthday party to another 90-year old’s party... in one day.

8. How to talk to people. And really listen to them.

9. Save money. My husband is that he is a natural saver. We never fight on that regard.

10. How to make money.

11. How to have utter control chipping in carabao grass. Forward the grip, square the clubface and minimize bounce.

12. Understand the importance of golf equipment. Jovi claims to be the go-to expert in golf equipment in the Philippines. He writes a monthly column about it on Inquirer Golf, owns a golf store, reads about clubs everyday and does club repair if necessary. When I was 15, he cherry-picked a replacement shaft for my 5-wood. It’s perfect and I still use it 9 years later.

13. Family is important.

16. That “Love is not pompous.” When super typhoon Yolanda hit the Philippines in 2013, Jovi quietly set out an auction to sell his comic art. The substantial proceeds went all to charity. He told me, “Giving must hurt. You must feel it."

17. “Iwas gulo.” This phrase is a joke between us that means, ‘avoid fights.’ Jovi had got my patterns down – from what makes me mad (hunger), to what times I get hungry, and all other little things that instigate fights. He knows what those are by now and applies precaution. Smart man.

"Marriage is not about having a dinner companion. It's about about sharing meals with the same person 38,327 times." - The Atlantic 

18. Separate work from life. Despite all of Jovi’s responsibilities, he does an excellent job with work-life balance. He does not bring work at home. He knows how to relax and to prioritize working out daily.

19. Love animals. We have two mini-pinchers, Tweetie and Jingle. Jovi plays with them every morning.

20. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

21. Drink coffee black. Sugar and cream are very fattening.

22. Back up files and put passwords in everything.

23. Choose quality over quantity. Though my husband and I are both under-buyers, he has a better sense of when to spend. He has fairly expensive shoes that take years to break. If there are any medical expenses like my recent eye surgery, he held no bars. And our room is decorated with comic art encased in custom, glare-free frames. Sometimes, spending more means saving better in the long run.

24. But sometimes, it makes sense to go cheap. Our big wedding was pretty cheap – we focused on people, not fluff. Jovi insists there are things better cheap, like cutters and lunch.

23. Go to the doctor right away. It helps to have a friendly husband who has doctor friends one call away.

24. Be patient when explaining if the other person is obviously less intelligent than you. I have a short fuse with people who don't get it. Meanwhile, my husband is patient when I'm the one who can't understand – which happens more often.

25. Only give gifts that are useful or valuable.

26. People remember the small things. 

27. Be sentimental about things. Jovi has a ‘Crystal’ folder than contains everything I gave him in the last 8 years. Heck, he still even uses his 20-year old pants! 

28. How to park the Land Cruiser in tight spaces. After I bumped the car once, he patiently spent one afternoon in Amara teaching me parking skills.

29. Be up-to-date with gadgets. Aside from being golf equipment nerd, Jovi spends a lot of his time reading gadget reviews.

30. Always expect the worst-case scenario. 

31. Don’t just say yes right away. In fact, say no. Gretchen Rubin calls people like Jovi ‘questioners.’ When you tell them anything, their first inclination is to ask why because they won’t do it if it’s not logical to them. As a wife, this is annoying. But this thinking has saved us in wedding planning and family holidays.

32. Use consistent verb tenses. I write for a living and my lawyer husband is my proof-reader.

33. Learn to draw. I went to art school, but I never learned how to draw. Jovi draws so well we think he might do it commercially when he’s older. Maybe drawing is something Jovi can teach to our future child instead.

34. How to hate things with passion. Being passive all the time is not good. 

35. Share your food. I grew up in house where food must be guarded or it will be taken away. Jovi would rather starve than hog food. One day, he gave away all the calzones we bought to my niece. I cried a little bit inside, but it’s a stepping stone in becoming more generous.

36. Know the life story of all superheroes. Did I mention he’s also a comic book geek?

37. Know how to keep secrets. This is side effect of having a lawyer as a spouse.

38. How to love without being a floor mop. The tendency for couples with big age gaps like ours, is that one spouse overrules. In contrast, Jovi and are teammates. I tried to pull the strings once, asking for his belt. He goes, “Why can’t you just buy your own?” I love how my man knows how to stand up for what is fair; it also teaches me to be assertive on my own. 

P.S. Hopefully this post and a Sour Cream Coffee Bundt cake are enough as birthday presents. 

I'm Married! Our Wedding, Part 2

I'M NOW OFFICIALLY CRYSTAL NERI, married to Jovi after many years of being together. Here's Part 2 of a two-part series, with the final same-day edit video and a list of everyone that made it happen for us. 

Our wedding suppliers: Giving business to our friends

Our simple gold wedding bands are from Suarez and Sons.

 

Our wonderful coordinator, Tonette Carcel, was recommended to us by my flower girl’s mom, Justeen.  

Tonette Malagar Carcel (7th person from left), our on-the-day wedding coordinator, with us and her team.

The reception decor was made my Hansel, one of the waiters at Cebu Country Club. 

Jovi's drawing hanging in the DIY arch. Lots of guests took pictures here 

What a glorious day to get married. No rain!

Pink Flora’s Pinky Chang, who made the bridal bouquet, is a friend of my mother-in-law. 

Chateau De Busay serving their famous Humba. In the menu, there's roasted beef (baka), fish fillet, pancit & more.

The house band, Mofo, and On The Cover band have the same guitarist that Jovi have been watching for 20 years. 

Our rehearsal dinner caterer, Creative Cuisine, is owned by our neighbour, Derek. Even our transportation guy, Fernando, who provided us vans and drivers, is Jovi’s friend. It was surreal to see all this labor of love come together in one special event.

People I'm Thankful For

First of all, I’m grateful to my husband, Jovi. He planned 70% of our wedding with grit to the detail. Just a few nights before the Big Day, Jovi was crunching 320 names in the spreadsheet for seating arrangements. He shows his kindness in a specific way. Case in point: nobody knew he invited about 7 caddies in our reception and even gave them money for transportation. Our wedding is proof of how much he loves me –  it not only benefitted me – but also the people around us that we made happy. To my husband: you are my favourite person in the universe and I love you to the world. 

Mom Nelia, Jovi, and Dad Julius at Bauhinia

My parents-in-law, Nelia & Julius, were tremendous help. Mom Nelia took charge of the entourage attire, flowers, alcohol, and more.  The night before the wedding day, I broke down in tears because four barongs’  and a dress were MIA. She called my coordinator the next day with words, “It’s taken care of.” Rumours she called the laundry store owner. For our jewelry, 20th century silver arrhaes, expert hosting at the Rehearsal Dinner, and a bunch of things I have no space to list here, she took charge of.

One of my most fave pics with my mom. The Mercedes conked twice on the way to the church – but we just laughed along the way.

I'm thankful to my mother, Grace, for her presence. In my wedding day speech, I choked on the part sharing how much my mom has sacrificed for our family. She flew to Cebu after not being home in the Philippines for over six years. And she was finally there, making me laugh in my bridal car, walking me down the aisle and experiencing my new life and family in Cebu. She’s came to Cebu for me, even if it wasn't easy. 

Vanessa and the hair team of Chris made me look like this

I am super thankful for my makeup artist, Vanessa. Jovi might be annoyed by this right now, but when I look at our wedding pictures, I can’t stop saying, “Jov, I’m so pretty. Did you know I’m this pretty pala?” For the big & beautiful cake supplied by San Jose Bakeshop's Jojo. For my maid-of-honor, Lyra, who is such a trooper in the midst of a big and chaotic Filipino wedding. For my friends at JFDI Asia, whose CEO Hugh Mason attended the event. My colleagues (Nelia, Mee-ann & Edrian) did two surprise song numbers for me. For Marko’s fantastic beach house that my family enjoyed. To the Neri and Garcia family - Lotlot organized my bridal shower, Nini & Pio hosted the reception and played music, the nephews and nieces (Isabel, Julian, Ines and Mikkel) did a surprise song number, and 11-year old Bianca played Canon D live at the processional. [On a side note: how talented is this family?]

My nephews and nieces singing (from left to right): Nessi, Mikkel, Nini and Julian

My JFDI colleagues belted out 2 surprise songs for me. From left to right: Meeann, Edrian and Nelia

My JFDI family with the Lerma brothers. #spotsmoochy

Getting Married - How That Was Like

My husband and his family are loved by many people, and I’m an umbrella to their graces. We ended up putting together an event that is not to be featured on Bride and Breakfast, but is meaningful and true to us. When my cousins from Guimaras went home to tell their mom what happened, they were choking because they can’t finish their sentences. My best friend, Jonathan, is at loss for words on how everything turned out. Lyra and Sam, my friends in college, returned to their countries with stories of whaleshark sight-seeing and delicious roasted pig tastings.

My husband and I just opened hundreds of weddings gifts and are even more stunned. As those things are put away in storage for now, I'm living my days with Jovi thinking pretty much one thought: "OMG, I love this person so much." And I'm married to him.

          Here's our same day edit video, courtesy of Storyteller. 

I'm Married! Our Wedding, Part 1

I'M NOW OFFICIALLY CRYSTAL NERI, married to Jovi after many years of being together. This is inside story of how we planned our wedding and the people and choices that guided our decisions. Here's Part 1 of this two-part series, starting with the planning stages.

"Your wedding should reflect who you are as everyday people."

Things I Like About JFDI

What's been keeping me busy these days is my new job as Social Media and Content Marketing Manager at JFDI Asia. In short, I handle our socials and make sure we have awesome content. How I am today – giddy and challenged and fulfilled – is a far cry from what I've been the past few months.

My biggest worry about moving to Cebu was finding the right  kind of work (also, earning a liveable salary). Did you know that unemployment is in the Top 10 traumas for a human being? Going through that was like living a nightmare. Add to that I was also very picky with how I spent my time. I didn't play golf, even if my fiancé often does, as it is something I consider irrelevant.



I didn't take any "survival" job either. I worked in San Diego for year and saved 50% of my salary, so I can be deliberate in finding work in Cebu. I want a position that would force a learning curve in writing and digital media. 

One of the most important points in Dr. Meg Jay's book, 'The Defining Decade' is about spending "your 20's learning." She adds, "Salary is roughly equivalent to your skills. In your 20's don't expect to earn money. You simply don't have the experience. Instead, you should spend this decade learning and absorbing as much as you can. Hopefully by the time you're in your 30's, money shouldn't be a problem." There's a lot of easy-money dead-end jobs, that even my fellow 20-something friends are forced to take. 

One day while browsing Mynimo (an online forum like Craigslist), I saw a job opening in socials for a company called JFDI Asia. Three interviews and a writing trial later, I was hired. I was that overdressed lady you probably saw fist-pumping at the intersection of Cardinal Rosales and Mindanao Avenue on a hot afternoon. At that moment, everything felt so right. 

JFDI Asia is a Singapore-based accelerator. In short, they help venture-fundable startups. Right now my job has me reading and writing about technology, entrepreneurship, risk mitigation, etc. – things I have never written before in my life. This week I had to make an MIT paper web-friendly. I'm racking my brain everyday, but this is exactly the learning curve I'm looking for.



Day One of my employment, I sent out a tweet that JFDI is so cool. Our company mascot is a frog we call Smoochy (#spotsmoochy).


I'll share with you the Four JFDI Principles listed in our employee handbook. I'm very fond of them and believe they can be applied in all areas of life:

4 Principles Of JFDI 

1. Resourcefulness Principle - You should assume that at any given time, other people are busy with their own work, so if you can accomplish something or find an answer to a question without bothering someone else, you should try to do that first. 

This filters all the ignoramus and annoying people out of our offices. It means I can work in peace, except when somebody really needs something from me. I heard this story once about JFDI Chairman Meng Wong. One of my coworkers needed some information, so Meng told the guy to: first, google like crazy; second, hit his head in the wall; third, (if that's still not working) only then ask someone. No spoon-feeding works for us, so we can focus on big wins.

2. Relevance Principle - avoid unnecessarily taxing the attention of people who don’t care. 

3. Searchability Principle - make the communication available on demand to anyone looking for it.

We use the Slack app to make office communication seamless. We don't like email because info gets buried there. So in the Slack's editorial channel, I get almost real-time feedback from my editor, Joyce Huang. All of us gets to read and learn from company 'critical incidents,' something we all talk about weekly. I also get to easily reach out to our CEO Hugh Mason and Chairman Meng Wong, would I ever need quotes. Searchability supports our resourcefulness principle, which in turn supports...

4. Openness Principle - default to the medium which is the most open for the communication at hand.

Openness has long been cited as a hallmark trait in successful marriages. How would I have known these works in company culture too? Everything is online for us to read, check and use. Openness very well ties into searchability and resourcefulness which all, in turn, optimise our work flows. We don't have to rely on other people to 'send us this..' (OK, sometimes we still do). We use Asana for tasks, Nimble for contacts, SlimWiki for company SOP's, and Slack for office chitchat. All open, searchable, paperless, efficient and awesome.

Hi from the office! We use Hangouts to touch base with the Singapore team.

Cal Newport in his book, 'So Good They Can't Ignore You,' talked about three things that define great work:

1. Creativity

2. Impact

3. Control

My work today is giving me autonomy and flexibility. I can clearly see the impact of my work in Hubspot metrics, feedback from my colleagues and retweets and follows from tech people on Twitter. When I get better, I'll eventually handle Inbound Marketing, a skill I consider highly valuable in today's connected world. So, I cleared all of Newport's requirements.

Every morning I sit in the garden or take a few minutes in the car to pinch myself. This is the reality of where I am at the moment. I've left my life in San Francisco/San Diego to move to Cebu, Philippines. I'm getting married soon. Despite of being picky and specific, I found the job that I'm looking for.

I read this from Paulo Coelho as a kid and it still holds true today:

Crystal Superal is the Social Media and Content Marketer at JFDI, the #1 business accelerator in Asia. She finished her Multimedia Communications degree while playing golf for a San Francisco-based art school. She currently lives in Cebu City, Philippines. For her thoughts about tech and lifehacks, follow her Twitter @crystalsuperal.

A Very Sad Wedding Planning

YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS JET SKIING WITH MY FIANCE'S BROTHER, I could not stop thinking of Andrea. She’s my Colombian friend and golf teammate from college. I could just imagine Andrea’s face shrieking with joy as the waves crash against a standup jet ski in full throttle. In front of us was a light blue water lagoon; behind were beach resorts peppered with white umbrellas and tourist snorkelers. She would have loved spending all day there, talking about how she could live an island life away from the rat race. 

Right now I’m living in Cebu, Philippines. The ocean is so close to us and we are living in abundance of cheap, fresh fruits and seafood. Meanwhile, Andrea (a girl I call my “favorite” of all my other girlfriends) is in Portland, Oregon interviewing with Nike. In just a year our paths have separated in opposite directions. Me, planning a wedding and she pursuing design. 

Weddings are a celebration of love and binding families. With all the fluff of bridal books, Pinterest-worthy ideas and input of planners, weddings are supposed to be maniacal money-sucking lavish parties. You can do what you want! You can be bridezilla and it’s okay! Nonetheless it has the different effect on me — sadness.

I’m missing too many people. Every time I look at minute wedding details such as boutonniere or non-flower bouquets, I think of Jonathan. He’s an especially close and trusted pal of mine for almost ten years. When my family needed help setting up our new house in Cavite, he painted walls and refurnished our cabinets. I’ve never met anyone as practical and ingenious, so how I wish my best friend would be my decorator and planner. But he lives in Manila — too far away.

My maid-of-honor is Lyra, another close pal for almost a decade. She will be flying from Hongkong on my wedding week. Her familiar face and presence are more than enough as a gift, so I don’t even want to bother with bridal extras. I’m a proponent of accepting things as is, so if I have no friends around, I won’t expect a bridal shower. My friends in San Francisco — Sasha, Inez, Julie, Mariana, Sierra, Melissa — are the ones who saw me failing and winning in the last few years. They saw me sneaking in a corner to take long-distances call from my soon-to-be husband. Or they shooed away potential suitors. The stories and the laughter, that’s what I miss and that’s what I would like in my entourage. 

------

Planning a wedding is very different from planning a wedding without parents. I wish I could ask my mom about Roman Catholic rituals or other weddings in my family. Heck — I wish she was just beside me so I could hear her voice. Jovi and I spoke about being prepared, just in case none of my parents could make it at my wedding. My throat chokes up at the thought, but I’m prepared to walk by myself down the aisle. So for those who have parents who might be helping or causing some stress: just be thankful. That’s better than none. 

My wedding, so far, has me craving for the familiar — for family. I know very well that I’m part of a new family now. But there’s still something to say about a mother’s practical comment or picking shoes and dresses with a sister. What is too much to ask when somebody offers help? There have been many kind queries, from job offers to actual roles in the ceremony. I just wish I would know them better to gauge if they are asking out of politeness or sincerity. Or maybe this is the event that will spark new friendships and relationships I crave for.

------

Photo by JJ Alvarez 

As Edwin Muir wrote in his 1943 poem, The Confirmation: "Yes, yours my love, is the right human face." Jovi is the most comforting and friendliest face I see everyday. He makes sure I’m never too hungry, tired, or bored (it’s awesome). Yesterday, he ran from the mall to cancel my foot spa, so he could feed me Andok’s chicken. When I told him I miss my mom, he said:

“It’s okay, I can be your Mom. If you want, I could also be your Dad in the golf course when we play.”

He and I discussed destierro first before booking our suppliers. He had pulled lots of strings so we could get first in line for everything. Poor guy was sore for four days after I forced him to swing kettle bells. He is kind, patient and supportive. When I need to cry, he lets me, then feeds me and quietly drives me home. I never knew he’d have this much caress in him.

I don’t know how my situation could be different. It’s a simple reality from moving to a new city without friends and family. I miss my loves — so much so that all I could think about is what we’ll do together once they’re here. More than a wedding, I’m looking for a home-coming. On my wedding day, my friends and family will witness my new life. And if they like it, I hope they’ll come back to visit me.   

Stories And My New Life In Cebu

I SAT IN FRONT OF JAN YANEHIRO IN HER 79 New Montgomery office at downtown San Francisco. She's dressed in a yellow wool jacket over a black top and long pants. Her gently parted bangs and lilac-colored eyeshadow struck me first as I stare at her.

“Crystal, your voice tends to fall off at the end of your sentences. Project like this.”

She proceeds to say a few words. I follow them. 

“Yes, better. Keep practicing.”

Jan is an Emmy-awarding winning journalist. As the Director of Multimedia Communications of Academy Art University, she had been the first person to encourage me to study production. When I was a scared, stressed, teenage girl looking for a scholarship, she welcomed me in open arms saying, “You’d flourish in my department both as an athlete and a student.” And I believed her.

Four years later, I graduated with several awards, one of them an NCAA Woman of the Year nomination. Not only my US education will enable me to provide for myself, I was also exposed to an environment that proved I could live a creative and meaningful life. A private art school education. Traveling the whole U.S. with artist friends while playing competitive golf. Living in downtown San Francisco -  melting pot of wealthy, artistic, free, environmentally and historically adept people and ideas. My brain, my physique, my soul — all expanded the best way possible any young woman could ever wish for.

That bright afternoon, Jan and I had been working to produce a singing show. It will be our last class together. Although I’m thankful for her kind mentoring, at the same time, I was also feeling nostalgic about the near end of my college journey. It’s graduation soon. It was almost goodbye.

———

After graduating, I moved to San Diego, California. The weather is described as semi-arid, mild and sunny throughout the year. It’s essentially all-day long perfect, the kind that would guilt you if you’re not outdoors.

I’ve been driving for almost an hour now, even turning off the radio so I could focus on the directions. But what I could not find is the entrance to Elfin Forest in Escondido, California. I’m right here, but as with most state parks, looking for the “staging” area (the place where the hike starts), is the hardest to find.

“One mile from destination,” the GPS voice cries in unison with the hazard light clicking. After a U-turn and an illegal left turn, I finally found the gate.

The Elfin Forest hike boasts of several trails that vary in difficulty. As a moderate hiker, I aim for maximum three to four hours in the mountain. Asking for more might be a push for a young woman wandering alone.

Fake alone, I would call it, because you're never truly by yourself in nature. I’m walking on half-sand/half-dry soil. Hundreds of miles of it spread in front of me, sometimes wielding like forks into deeper parts of the woods. I learned this thing in college training where we load our butts and thighs and tighten our bellies for every lunge. My trainer advised it’s best for protecting knees, so I used that in my new hiking hobby. That, and breathing in rhythm, made me fall in love with hiking more.

Up in the mountains, mansions in Escondido peaks looked like tiny cars. California is experiencing its worst drought in years. So right now, a typical California view is like an old pastel painting —  brownish, greenish, bluish — real but faint. Slowly rolling mountains but never too small like hills or staggering like the Grand Canyon’s. And there’s always a body of water, this time the Olivenhain Municipal Water District.

Since moving to San Diego, I learned to relinquish the outdoors. My work ends early so by afternoon, I’m free to sleep under the sun. Without any friends, school or social obligations, I’m living in melancholy, peace and solitude. 

“Aloneness is not the same as loneliness,” one of my favorite quotes would say. The San Diego life, paired me down to what really matters to my core - a purpose (my first employment after school), nature (hikes and coastal views), books (to feed my brain) and lots of reflection time. 

When my working privileges ends, I’m moving back to my home country, the Philippines. My VISA is expiring soon. It’s almost goodbye.

————

And now here I am in Cebu living an entirely new life.

Two weeks ago, I left my siblings in Cavite to move to Cebu permanently. I bawled on the plane until I got bloodshot eyes over missing the three little people I love the most. 

"Why do you want to drop me off at the airport?," I asked my nine-year old sister Ace. 

"Kasi wala na akong ate (Because I will no longer have an older sister)," she said so straight and emotionless, I wanted to crumble inside. A notable hurdle in this new life: Leaving my family. 

A week ago, I sat on the bathroom floor away from screens and noise. My future husband had to rescue me, probably thinking I just went mad. But I needed the space to internalize my losses. I’m waking up everyday depending on one person. I have no place to go or nothing (not even household chores) to do. A notable hurdle in this new life: a loss of a purpose. No work, no dignity.

Two hours ago, Jovi and I, were being toured by a sweet lady around Radisson Blu Hotel. I could not follow her words because she’s speaking in Bisaya — the dialect of Cebuanos. I’m born and raised Tagalog and adopted English from my college days. Bisaya is spoken fast and there are still many words I don't understand. A notable hurdle in this new life: language.

-----

I went to school in San Francisco for four years, then I moved to San Diego for a year. That’s five years of building a life — the first time I would call my real “own” life without much of anybody’s help. I decided to pick my major. I cleaned, slept, cooked, washed and ate in an apartment I chose. I hosted breakfasts with my own adult friends. In those five years I grew up, not only in age, but in a hey-I-can-survive-alone kind of empowering way. 

Goodbye to my independent U.S. life, artists friends in San Francisco, to the crazy mornings of waking up beside my nine year-old sister, or even just the familiarity of my Cavite home or the San Diego freeways. I don’t think a husband is enough to replace all that. And that’s okay. Because when I sleep at night and wake up in a this new life of uncertainty, only one strong, ironic and quizzical thing hits me. The eliminator of all my notable hurdles: Gut-wrenching joy.

"Uncertainty is where things happen. It is where the opportunities — for success, for happiness, for really living — are waiting.”

How I Learn By Jovi Neri

THIS SERIES IS ABOUT PEOPLE I admire answering the question: "How Do You Learn?" According to the dictionary:  learn (verb) means to gain or acquire knowledge of or skill in by study, experience, or being taught. I want, and hopefully my readers as well, to pick up lessons from individuals who are happy, socially responsible and uniquely successful. 

I started off by answering this question myself, and now it's time to pass the baton to Jovi Neri. He is my fiancé and my biggest influencer. Other than being a lawyer, Jovi is the owner of REDGOLF, a golf store in Cebu, Philippines. 

Location: Cebu, Philippines 
Current Gig: Owner (REDGOLF), Lawyer at J. Neri Associates and Artist and Golfer

How I Learn By Jovi Neri

Jovi Neri: businessman, golfer, artist and lawyer.

What Inspires You?

I'm inspired by two F's - fiancé and family.  First, my fiancee is 14 years younger than me and she is very healthy (and sexy!).  So this inspires me to live a long and productive life with her. The only way to achieve it is through good health of both the body and mind. I don't want her to be taking care of bed-ridden me in my older age. I want to be going in adventures with her no matter what age I am.  So I try to live a healthy and active lifestyle so I can stay physically fit and mentally sharp. (Ed Note: Kilig. )

The second F is family and the values passed on to me from them - either from teaching or from simply observing. It's something I want to live by and pass on to everyone I meet.  My parents are approaching their 40th anniversary.  My grandparents had a big 50th wedding anniversary, then a 51st wedding anniversary where their grandkids (us!) sang Broadway hits to them, and finally their 60th anniversary in a cruise.  I want to have a relationship with my wife and children to be like that. Strong family ties are a hallmark of the Garcia clan which I want to keep.  In the Neri side, there is this calmness in the face of pressure and conflict that I try to emulate.  I try to avoid rash or impulsive actions in the heat of the moment, and distance myself from the situation for a more objective grasp of the situation when face with pressure and problems. I want to be a loyal husband, a family man, and always seeking peace more than conflict.

Describe a typical day.

Wake up.  Coffee while playing with dogs, reading Flipboard.  Then I go to RedGolf and the Law Office, in no particular order and switch places or stay in one place.  In the late afternoon, I try to catch some exercise in the form of gym or jogging in Cebu Country Club.  At night I check and reply to personal emails, do the rounds on social media, switch on the TV if there are sporting events, and of course wait for Crystal's call.

What Do You Check Or Read Everyday?

Jovi and his comic art collection

I read Flipboard, mostly sports news and some tech news.  I also check Facebook and Twitter everyday.  There are also forums I check: comic art, U2, golf equipment, and other interests.

Who And What Do You Follow?

I follow my friends on social media, and a few athletes and celebrities here and there.  Following my friends are more important though because I always want to know what is up with them in case they'll need my help, or I'll need theirs.

What Influences You The Most?

I am influenced most by the Jesuit and Ignatian slogan of "men and women for others."  One of the best feelings in the world is when you can genuinely help others.  And it gets better when you see them doing the same good things to others what you have done to them.  The best example for me would be how I handled the junior golfers in Cebu Country Club. Even when they were young and annoying, I always showed a genuine care for their lives and games while other adults just brushed them aside.  Suddenly, when they become so good golfers, these adults who ignored them now want to play with them.  The junior golfers can see through that and know it's not genuine.  But because of how I took care of them, I can see their genuine care for the new younger breed - reaching out to play with them and give them advice.  Now this warms my heart.

Kobe Bryant a drawing by Jovi

I also realize I have a God-given talent to draw. Unfortunately, it is not my profession and I don't make money from it. But following the slogan of "man for others", I keep drawing not for myself but to give to others.  That way, God will keep my talent sharp because I am using it and sharing it now.

My role models have gone out of their way to help others.  From U2 using their celebrity and music to fight poverty and AIDS, to basketball player Robert Jaworski who would never leave the arena until every fan got an autograph or picture because he always said they owe it to the fans, and many more examples like Pope Francis - it comes down to my Jesuit upbringing being my biggest influence in how I conduct myself.

When you help others, you give a part of yourself to them, and when you see yourself in them - you can truly find yourself and know who your really are - not by looking in the mirror but by looking at how you've touched their lives. That's always how I've seen it.

What Is A Book Or Movie That Changed You?

What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey.


Who Would You Like To Learn From?

Jovi, President of Cebu Junior Golf for 8 years

First, I'd like to learn from the youth. There is a lure to me on the purity and innocence of youth as it is still filled with idealism, honesty, and integrity while not yet being corrupted and jaded. They also have this inner nature in detecting if people are genuine or not, and you can see it in how they react towards you or others. I know since I have been handling junior golf for 8 years. So as long as they understand and enjoy you, as opposed to just giving you respect out of fear and deferential treatment to authority - then you know you are still being genuine and acting from the heart. And when you approach them with an open mind, you'll actually learn a lot of life lessons you won't learn from an adult, or you'll remember things from your own youth that adulthood made you forget.

Second, I'd like to learn from the older people.  Most of them have a tendency to keep on talking so much as they reminisce on their younger days.  But there is a lot of wisdom to learn from their words and experiences.  The key is to listen with an open mind.

The secret to learning which not many people follow is: listen to absorb and understand; and not listen to reply, comment, or scrutinize.  Many people nowadays just listen to you, having pre-planned in their minds what their reply will be, or are just waiting for you to end your sentence to they can give their opinions, instead of seeking the value in what you have to say.  I try to be so self-conscious about this and really listen to people when they are talking -especially if it is about their own personal experiences.

Do You Have A Sacred Daily Ritual?

Tucking in my shirt before I sleep at night.

What's A Turning Point For You?

There is no single turning point.  It's the unlikely bumps in life that could never be explained other than just "fate" that you later on realize you'd never be what you are if not for those things. Then it has a domino effect.

If I did not go to Cebu Country Club one summer in 1990 and notice the junior program in full force, I would never longed to play golf the following year.  If I did not play golf, what would I be? Some math whiz? Someone who pursued my art? Would basketball be my sport as an undersized benchwarmer?

Jovi and I in Santa Monica, CA 2012

After finishing law school, I wanted to teach law in the University of Cebu. I wasn't allowed because I needed law experience to teach. So I focused my energies that longed to help others to Junior Golf instead.  If not for that, would I have even met my future wife?

What about open heart surgery? Or close-calls to major car accidents? There are just many different incidents that could be turning points because the pieces just fell into place so correctly that it could not just be mere coincidence.  Every day, I feel I have lived through so many turning points that this life has a purpose which I am always trying to find.

What Essential Things Do You Need To Do Good Work?

I need a peaceful and alert mind, and a healthy 
up-and-about body - all with no distractions.


What Do You Know For Sure?

The strongest weapon is love.

I'd love Bono To Answer These Questions (but I don't think he ever will!).